>> Inspiration… the lack of it?

Been pretty busy the past couple of days and while I’m doing a bunch of stuff on other blogs, I’m not finding the time to actually blog! Well, something has been going on of late. Something to do with inspiration and passion. What’s been going on? In a couple of words – there’s a lack of it. I really don’t know why. Maybe it was just an initial fire, an initial flame? Is the flame dying? Does it want to be extinguished? That’s actually a tough choice to make. While one part of me wants to keep it going on forever and ever, another part starts to creep in and say just let it go, what’s the point, what are you gonna get outta this, why do you need this, what’s all this for? All those questions actually make sense to me and in a way maybe it’s not required. This probably all sounds really vague. Let’s take an example. I performed after a really long time 2 days back. I love to perform, I love to enjoy and entertain. 3 years back, I was on a roll. I would be ready to do it anytime to anyone, anyplace. I had SO much energy, so much vigor, so much fire and passion inside me. But now, I’m not sure whether that has reduced or whether it has just evolved to something else. Back to 2 days back. It felt awesome to do something like that again, gave me such a rush, the feeling was great, I was on cloud 9. I started getting messages about it right after I was done with it and boy, it felt great. Truly. It feels awesome to be congratulated for something, feel noticed. When everything else around you is a blur, there’s something in the haze that stands out and makes you smile all the time. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Standing in front of a huge crowd, getting them into it, making them feel what I want them to feel, suspending their disbelief, and making them believe that anything is possible. This gave me enough of whatever it was to want to do something more. I did after a few hours and once again the feeling was great. The reactions afterwards and responses were all bang on target and exactly as envisioned. A near perfect performance.

What made me go ahead with this? It was actually a last minute decision taken on my part. One year ago, I worked my butt off for a couple of months to set up a 45 minute show. I used to stay up almost every night, make calls, routine, brainstorm, chat, script and rehearse. A year ago, I hoped I would return the next year. Unfortunately, the year happened to be a rather busy one and I could not commit myself. But the feeling never left me and I knew I wanted to go back. Hence the last minute dive into the field. I had learnt a lot in one year. I knew not to accept an offer without being ready for it, I knew not to go out and give less than 100%. But I needed to do this, not because I wanted to but because others wanted me to. That was a driving force. That was my inspiration. YOU guys are my inspiration. Without YOU, there would be no magic. These days it’s taking a tremendous amount of effort to get me inspired. Why? What’s wrong and what’s happening? Why is the fire inside me burning out? I don’t know how to oil it and keep it running. I look back a year, 2 years and think about them. I used to visit so many places on a regular basis, I used to talk to so many people, I used to keep in touch with people far away, I used to perform like crazy, I used to stay up doing unorthodox stuff. All because I loved them. Today, it’s changed. While everything is still the same, I have changed. Or who knows, maybe they have as well. Let’s take a couple of examples. There is a place online where I was immensely active; I used to make friends almost every day. I still visit the place, but it’s just different. No longer fancy, no longer as appealing as it was before. Is it because I am all the way at the top or is it because I find it boring? I truly hope it isn’t the latter because I love what I do. People would do so much to want to be in such a position of power on a forum. I still don’t know why I was picked. Everyone said that I should be there, and I am happy they think so. But nowadays, the drive to do it is less. It just doesn’t make sense. Just like I said in the beginning.. something says I should possibly let it go. I try my best to wholeheartedly disagree with that, but the force is getting more and more stronger. However, I’m glad that still a lotta people look upto me, I get messages every day from youngsters getting into the art. My messenger is always open for chat and it’s cool to help someone out. Just like I was helped out when I started. I had a few guys who took me under their wing and guided me. They did TONS. Made videos, sent files, scripts, guides, anything and everything. I guess I need more people like that to inspire me.

Does distance do a lot to relationships and friendships? I think yes. It makes it super tough. How is it possible to keep the same rapport over a virtual world where the only visualization is in letters and pictures and text? It’s just not the same. Time flies and pretty soon you figure out that you’re discussing the same old boring stuff over and over again. How many times can you go, “Hey, what’s up?” and get a reply much different than, “Nothing much really. Just hanging around” ? Hardly ever. Is it indifference by the other person, or is it just a cliché that nobody really wants to reply anything else? Personally, when someone asks me that, I know that they usually they need someone to talk to, or need someone to listen or probably just wanna catch up. Why limit the conversation to a ‘nothing much’ when I have all this in mind? Seems kinda mean doesn’t it? (If you know me well, you’ll probably know that I hate meanness). Well, maybe there really isn’t anything to talk about? No – there is always something to talk about, and you are always doing something and that’s why you’ll usually never catch me replying “nothing much” to a “what’s up” call. Unless of course I don’t want to be disturbed or I am put away by the person itself (which is very rare). But in that case I would say it directly. All it takes is a few extra taps on your keyboard to shed that indifference and give a nice reply. Or am I just being way overjudgmental? Wow, it looks like I have digressed a whole lot. Let’s get this a little back on course.

It takes a mammoth effort to continue to do something over and over again without getting bored. Have a look at a show performer or an actor in a play. They must’ve rehearsed a huge ton load of times. They must actually be sick of what they’re doing and saying. But can they show it? No, they can’t. And do they show it? No, they don’t because they aren’t sick of it. They love doing what they’re doing and as long as that is there, all is well. In the initial stages, a person performs because he loves it a lot, he finds it cool and he enjoys the reactions he gets. While that’s alright for a starter, a more intermediate or advanced artist will perform not only because he loves it, but because he knows the feeling that a spectator will get when he/she comes across something like this. For you, it’s the 10 billionth time that you are performing. But for them – it’s the first time they’re seeing something so amazing and awesome. Example time. Same effect performed for 10 different groups of people. Is there a difference between what you did for the first group and the last? Is there a difference in your attitude or emotion? Most probably yes. Is there a difference in the spectators? No, they all share the commonality that they’re all seeing what you are doing for the first time. Each group has the same amount of energy. Each group has the same kinda people. Even you are the same. The only thing that changes is your ability and want to perform/entertain. You have to love your audience, you have to love the people around you. Give them all you got. I’ve inspired SO many people who were on the verge of quitting to come back in and not let go. A few have left and well, maybe they were better off doing it, but many have actually come back. They’re attracted back by a feeling of ‘home’. Do we need a break? I’m trying my best not to take break, because I don’t want to lose touch. I don’t know how long it will take to adjust when I return. Many take some time off, and they say it was great. Great for them, but I missed them.

Do you all really love what you do? Are you doing what you wanna really do? I know I am not. But I am also doing what I love to do but not doing only what I love to do. I guess the latter is asking for a bit too much eh? Should we take the road less traveled? I definitely think so. That’s what I really want to do. That’s where I can see my path, that’s what is calling out to me. What I don’t want to happen is to lose interest in what I love. That can only happen because of external factors. And I want to eliminate those factors.

Here’s what I need. I need inspiration, I need something/someone to relight this fire of passion, I need to get back in time and get myself in that person’s shoes and relive those moments. Recently I read an article by one of my close pals on inspiration. He had absolutely no inspiration to write an article that he needs to do every week. But he had to. An easy excuse would be that there was no inspiration. But, that’s chickening out, an excuse. Here’s what he did. He sat down and forced himself to write. There’s no point in waiting for inspiration, you have to go looking for it, you have to run after it, you need to go catch it and grab it! And that’s something like what he wrote that day. It was a beautiful piece and gave me some inspiration. I wanted to write something tonight but didn’t have anything much to write about (I thought). But I forced myself to, I got myself inspired to do that instead of waiting endlessly for it to come to me (it may not have). That’s why I’m here at 1am waiting to complete this. Wanting to finish this. I wish the same things happen for a lot of the other things going on now as well. I hope the fire is re-lit, I hope that I can continue with the fervor I once had for them. I’ll definitely need some help. I’ll need to search and dig deep. And there are things and people I look upto for that. Get me back on track buddy, set me on fire, burn me and keep me hot. In the end, I know it’s upto me. The real inspiration comes from within us. That’s the one that will keep us self sustaining.

My head is overflowing with thoughts. I still think I could go on and on for a few more pages but I don’t think anyone would actually read it. I came in here late at night to write. I achieved that goal. I got inspiration to write something. No, that’s not true. I inspired myself to write something and I did. Had I waited, I would have been in my room and slept off. Now it is time to sign off. Until next time..

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. SET a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Peace.